Is Bliss Too Scary?

“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.”
-Gay Hendricks, The Big Leap

Over the weekend, I went to a potluck dinner and channeled event at the home of friends. I had been looking forward to this event for several weeks, knowing that it would be both fun and educational.

There were a number of people attending, many of whom were friends who had been on the trip to Iceland with me. It was a wonderful evening, full of loving interactions, fascinating sharings and information during the group, humor and laughter, spiritual connection, delicious food, hugs and gifts.

Sounds perfect, right? It was. Only I didn’t acknowledge it, or allow myself to feel it until the next day.

Huh?

Upon waking that next morning, I realized that it is possible for me to be right in the middle of my bliss and not know it.

It's like how many of us will deflect a compliment. We receive a compliment from some well-meaning person and then  don't allow ourselves to receive and feel the good feelings that the compliment could engender.
 
A friend says, "You're looking great today!"
You answer, "But my hair is a mess!" 

Except in this case, I deflected the good feelings of an entire evening.

I had encountered what Gay Hendricks calls an Upper Limit Problem from his marvelous book, The Big Leap.

Dr.  Hendricks describes how the problem showed up in his own life,
“I have a limited tolerance for feeling good. When I hit my Upper Limit, I manufacture thoughts that make me feel bad...”

Now let’s back up a bit. I drove to the event with my daughter and grandchildren who were also attending. Inexplicably, I began to feel anxiety creep in as we drove. I recognized it as the old social anxiety that plagued me for years. I was not happy to feel it resurface.

“I’m so done with this,” was my predominant thought.  But in fact, I wasn’t.

I was hitting my Upper Limit Problem knowing unconsciously that the gathering we were about to attend would be an opportunity for social and spiritual happiness. Apparently, part of me wasn’t ready to allow that.

When we arrived at our friend’s home, I pushed the anxiety aside and joined the group. Yet, my thoughts kept harping on my annoyance with old anxieties cropping up again.

The group being the kind of supportive group it was, I was able to share about my feelings, and often just airing feelings like this in a supportive atmosphere is enough. But this time, my irritation with myself about my anxious feelings continued.

Finally, with some supportive guidance, I came to understand that fear happens. It is just part of the human condition. I don’t need to beat myself up about it. Nor do I need to be afraid of fear. I can allow it to blow through me like wind through a screen door, in and right out again. I don’t have to get stuck in it.

So, that’s all good, but what does that have to do with bliss?

What it has to do with bliss is the fact that fear and the negativity that goes along with it can effectively veil you from perceiving and acknowledging your bliss. You can be right in the middle of a blissful situation and not realize it.

If you are so caught up in feeling fear, getting annoyed with yourself for feeling it, and trying to fix it or get rid of it, how do you have any room left for experiencing your bliss? Even when your bliss is right in front of you.

And that’s just the point.

The real problem is that for some of us bliss itself can be too scary, and that’s where the Upper Limit Problem comes in.

Perhaps there is a part of us that is afraid that if we allow ourselves to experience bliss something bad will happen, or our bliss won’t last, or we are not worthy of bliss, or undeserving of bliss.

Think of a young child, full of excited happiness, racing around, laughing and yelling exuberantly, being told to be silent by a tired, over-worked parent. How many of us have experienced some version of that very human situation?

Many of us have had life experiences especially as children when we learned that it was not safe to be too happy. For whatever reason we learned to curb our happiness, keep a lid on it, tamp it down. We learned an Upper Limit for happiness.

Self-judgment is an especially effective way to put a lid on happiness, even to the extent that we are not aware of bliss when we are right in the middle of it.

In spite of myself, I had a wonderful time at the gathering.  I was able to focus in on loving conversations and interactions and just be where I was, with whom I was, at any given moment. I just didn’t fully feel that wonderfulness until the next morning. The self-judgment was too pervasive in my consciousness.

But what if I recognized my fears as simply the acting out of my Upper Limit?  What if that awareness allowed me to release self-judgment, let go of struggling against the fear? What if knowing of my Upper Limit allowed those fears to blow right through the screen door of my awareness and out the other side?

I might have allowed myself to experience that scary thing known as bliss.

Now, as I think back over the evening, I can savor those moments of connection and enjoyment and that sweet echo of bliss.
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But next time fear and self-judgment show up I’m going to open the door of awareness wide, walk through and focus upon the bliss that may be just on the other side.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Your Spiritual Toolbox

Awareness is the first step to change.

Becoming aware of your Upper Limits concerning happiness and bliss can release you from that limitation.

Try this journaling exercise to get you started.

Gather pen and paper. Sit quietly for a moment and close your eyes. Take several deep, long breaths, centering yourself.

Write down and finish each of these statements.
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I am happiest when I...

I cannot feel really happy in other situations because...

It’s not safe to feel too happy in those situations because ...

I cannot feel blissful in those situations until ...

If I allow myself to feel blissful regularly I might...

As you finish each statement, allow whatever thoughts you have to surface.

Do you believe the statement? Do you want to believe the statement?

Do you feel any negativity come up about these statements? Write those thoughts down.

Do you feel anything positive come up? Write that down.

If specific memories or feelings are triggered write those down to the best of your ability.

Allow yourself to journal in a stream of consciousness way, using these statements as a catalyst to thought.
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Allow yourself to become aware of any self-imposed limits on bliss.