Memories Are Malleable

 “We all have memories that are malleable and susceptible to being contaminated or supplemented in some way.”
-Elizabeth Loftus

Have you ever had the experience of remembering an event a certain way, and finding out later that it happened differently than you remembered? I have, and it was disconcerting.
​
We think we remember an event a certain way and yet that is not what actually happened. Eye witnesses to traumatic events are notoriously unreliable. We perceive events through our personal filters.

Your Spiritual Toolbox

Do you have a memory that disturbs you? One that you go over and over in your mind trying to fix what went wrong? 

Refocus that memory.

Are there any parts of that memory that felt good to you? Or even other associated memories that feel good to you. Focus on those.
​
Even if there is a voice in your head that says, “But we’ve got to fix this!” Keep refocusing. When the old, painful memory comes up, overwrite it with the good stuff.
You are rewriting the pathways of the negative memory with positive, affirming memories.

Daydream your way to a positive experience. Enact it in your mind with as much detail as you can envision until you feel the positive emotions you want to feel. Do this each time the old memory disturbs you and build new, positive memory pathways in your brain.  

What’s more, if the actual event does not support the story we want to tell ourselves we may shift things around in our memory without even realizing that we are doing so.

This is because memories are not a record of actual events. Memories are the stories we tell ourselves to explain things, and our memories are malleable. They can change.
​
Dr Loftus, a psychologist who studies human memory, says,
“In real life, as well as in experiments, people can come to believe things that never really happened.”

“When we remember something, we're taking bits and pieces of experience - sometimes from different times and places - and bringing it all together to construct what might feel like a recollection but is actually a construction.”

This is all pretty interesting, but how can we utilize this malleability to support us?

For example, I have a memory from not too long ago of an afternoon and evening spent with my grandchildren. Tired children can be a challenge for tired grandmothers, even children said grandmother adores.

After playing in the yard and splash pool at our house, then dinner and bath time, one child, who shall remain nameless, tested my patience. I was feeling irritable with tiredness and not happy with myself to be so.

I thought a half-hour of gentle cartoons before bedtime might be a good solution for all of us.

After twenty minutes of sitting quietly to the point of falling asleep in front of the television, one child got up and couldn’t stop misbehaving, climbing dangerously on a piece of exercise equipment we had in the TV room. (You may ask why that particular piece of equipment was in the TV room at all. That is another story.)  In frustration I shut off the TV and ushered everyone upstairs for bedtime.

Our grandchildren are sensitive, empathic souls and this one knew I was annoyed. What’s more this child was annoyed with me right back! Instead of going up to bed as requested this child climbed up to the kitchen counter and stated, “I’m hungry!” though they all had a large snack (as well as dinner) shortly before. Rather than sputtering out my intense frustration, I asked my husband to take over in the kitchen and brought the other two upstairs to bed.

It’s not that the events were terrible or even my reactions. Young children get tired and so do grandmothers. But irritated and annoyed, waiting for bedtime, is not the kind of grandmother I want to be. What I want is to enjoy these precious moments with my grandchildren. They are small for such a short time.

Instead, that night I worried over my reactions, trying to figure out what I’d done wrong. I lay in bed going  over it in my mind, trying to fix it for next time. What I actually did was cement the negative parts of my memory in my brain, effectively eclipsing the positive parts. And we know what that creates, more of the same.

So, how do we make the malleability of memory work for us?

A memory is your mental re-creation; therefore, you can make it anything you want. If the memory of the past event is painful why not recreate it?

For most of us, our tendency is to focus on the negative parts of our memories in an attempt to fix whatever it was, just like I did.

The past is over, you already lived that version. Let go of trying to fix it. Instead, refocus the memory.

Refocus the memory onto the positive rather than focusing on the discomfort. Allow yourself to heal rather than re-inflicting injury each time you access that memory.

How would I refocus this memory with my grandchildren? I’d focus my attention on the parts of the memory that I want to have more of in my life.  I’d picture Eden’s delight as he cannonballed into the pool, Sophia’s mud-pies with mint leaf topping, and Alexandar’s sweet, one-sided smile as he showed me his special truck. I’d focus my attention on their joy and their laughter.  I’d feel the sweetness of our youngest falling asleep in my lap, while his sister fell asleep holding my hand resting against her cheek. I’d see my husband curled up with our grandson sleeping peacefully beside him.

These are the memories I choose to place my focused attention upon.
​
As you refocus your memory, you are laying the energetic groundwork for experiencing a future of events that eventually become memories which heal and support you.

Photo by Mike Marquez on Unsplash